Are you a recovering people pleaser?
People pleasing was real for me. I can’t remember the exact time it started, however, I would say the habits have built up over the majority of my life.
It’s when I started to believe I was not as good as everyone else so I hid parts of myself – much of this for me was around body image, self-confidence and self-esteem. It led me to stop being authentically me.
I really noticed this in myself in a job I had about 8 years ago. I was new in a new role and felt completely out of my depth.
I agreed with others because I thought their opinion was more important than mine.
I avoided conflict because I didn’t want to upset or challenge people.
I agonised over everything when I thought someone was angry with me even though usually it had nothing to do with me.
I struggled to say no and took too much on.
I did this because I wanted people including my peers and bosses to like me. I had a fear that no one thought I was a nice person and so I wasn’t worthy of being in the role I was in. I got caught up in the office gossip cycle. Yet, in all of this, I felt lonely, sad and constantly worried about what was coming next. What a way to live!
About 6 years ago I was chatting to my mentor and she said “Kylie, not everyone likes everyone. Not everyone gets along. We are individuals. We all think, react and respond differently. There are going to be times when we meet people and we just don’t click for whatever reason. And that’s okay”.
Enter stage right – the lightbulb moment… Three things came to mind:
How can someone truly like me when I wasn’t even being the real me?
I was spending an extraordinary amount of energy getting people to like me that I lost myself and was so unhappy!
How do I change this situation pronto?!
The moment I decided I didn’t want to be a people pleaser anymore was like the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders. I hadn’t realised how exhausting it was trying to please EVERYONE and I wasn’t even happy myself!
I was chatting to a friend about this feeling. This friend is probably the exact opposite of being a people pleaser. Over the years, we have learnt a lot from each other. I have learnt that it is okay to have different opinions and to voice them. I have learnt not to let people walk over me like a doormat and to stand up for myself respectfully. Also, saying no is a big deal for me – it’s a powerful thing to do! My friend has learnt that some people aren’t ready to hear her honest, blunt words so navigating how to deliver a message is critical to how a person receives has been important as well as learning a new way of expressing their opinions in a non-confrontational way whilst still being authentic.
What we both learnt was that often our strengths are also our opportunities to improve. People pleasing was exactly that for me.
Admitting you are a people pleaser and making the commitment to not being one isn’t easy because you feel like you are betraying everyone. The truth is – you are betraying yourself.
I have definitely progressed a long way in unlearning people pleasing habits I’ve picked up over the years and am feeling much more free and confident because of it. Of course there are times where I slip backwards, however, I’m usually pretty good at recognising those signs.
My story is about change and transformation. My goal in life is to be the best person I can be. This has meant becoming aware of what I do and how I react and respond so I can then start to shift habits no longer serving me.
Two strategies that work for me:
Recognise each day how I am feeling and watch for patterns where habits are showing. Start by changing those habits slowly by implementing one action a week and building on it over time. This might be saying no to something I would usually say yes to. I use a journal to keep track of how I feel as I start to make those changes. It’s rewarding to be able to reflect back on what you have done and how quickly you can change in such a short time.
Create and maintain strong personal values and boundaries whether that be with family, friends, work colleagues, clients or in particular situations. Notice when those lines become blurred and adjust accordingly. When I’ve established boundaries, it hasn’t always been a popular decision with some people. However, it has helped me decide who I want as part of my tribe. This was (and still is) a tough lesson for me to learn yet it’s been the most rewarding one.
I wish you well in discovering what you might need to do to change your habits. Don’t forget that if you are stuck or don’t know where to start, reach out to your tribe for help and support. You don’t have to go it alone.
